Remembering Chris

I have been thinking of Chris in recent days, and thought it time to remember him, too. God bless you, Chris, and thank you for making Patricia so happy - Kurt

What Grieving People Want You to Know
By Virginia A. Simpson, Ph.D

1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.

4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

5. Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

Bring food.

Offer to take my children to a movie or game so that I have some moments to myself.

Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of the death, and be sure and mention her name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.

Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up, then I really will be alone.

6. Try to understand that this is like I'm in a foreign country where I don't speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I'm not sure right now I could understand what it was saying. I'm lost and in a fog. I'm confused.

7. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

8. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here no matter what they were doing.

9. Please don't tell me I can have other children or need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after, will always be someone different.


10. I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

From Laura in London, with whom we are consulting on the Rice project in which Patricia was deeply involved, comes this internal email from her office (which I reproduce unedited):

As we developed the Rice project we were required to put it into a CAD model. Patricia, who worked with HEWV our Executive Architects started it and came to London, from Norfolk, Virginia to progress the coordination with the BIM model of the project for a week last year.
She sat near Patrick and worked with our team for a week. We were all impressed at how fast she was in translating project details into the BIM model, or Revit as some one calls it.
It was a real pleasure working with her, always smiling. If Jimmy - from HEWV - hadn't threaten me that I absolutely wasn't allowed, we would certainly thought about trying to keep her with us...

While she was in London, socializing with the team, she mentioned the girl scout cookies to someone in our team and how good they are - these are cookies that are baked for the girls scouts to sell around to raised money.
This team member - I have yet to identify - was really curious and keen to taste the famous cookies.
When she went back, among the other stories I suppose she must have told about us (one I know, she said that AB looks very much like Austin Powers!) she mentioned to Richard, father of a girl scout, that HA was very interested in the "girl scout cookies"!

This year we went to Virginia to work with HEWV, saw the offices, worked with the team and then finally went for dinner. Jimmy invited all on the team and Patricia was part of the group. We had a lovely time and a delicious dinner together.

Only a few weeks after we learned that Patricia died in her sleep of a brain aneurysm. She was 2 4 , just married last year before her husband went to Iraq to fight with the USA army. It was a great shock and very sad time for all our friends at HEWV, and for how small we counted in her life, for us Rice team too.

Katrin and I just came back from another trip in Norfolk, Virginia. After a long time unsuccessfully trying to investigate who at HA(USA) was so interested in girl scout cookies, and which flavour they where interested in, Richard very kindly just gave us a the most enormous box of all sorts. I have travelled with it, not without raising interest and curiosity at airports (What does the box contain Madame? Oooohhhhhh so really they are girl cookies!!!!!!!)...

So here they are. Please come to the Building 2 to taste the famous "girl scout cookies"... certainly there are enough for everyone!

Thanks you Richard... thank you Patricia!

From Jennifer, a former Summer (2006) Scholar in our student intern program- Kurt

I am shocked and saddened by your news. Patricia was such a likable and friendly person. She seemed so well-rounded, intelligent, and driven at such a young age. I admired her for that. I remember she came up to all of the interns after we presented our portfolios to the firm and commended us on doing such a great job. I really appreciated her comments and she immediately put me at ease.

I am so sad to hear of her passing. Please extend my condolences to her family and friends.

Message from Amanda-Jane

I received a message a week or so ago via Facebook from Amanda-Jane Baptiste (who used to work in the Tampa office) - Catherine

I still can't believe it. I'm really really saddened by her passing. I really am. I remember how she, Steve St. Marie, Greg Rutledge and Ruby sat at our table during the Holiday Christmas party '06 and just made me feel right at home since I knew only names and no faces of the people in Norfolk. She was a very sweet and funny girl. I truly wish I would've known her better, but am glad that the much I do know was great.

My heart goes out to her family and her fiance.

Continuing Patricia's Legacy

We received an email from a co-worker that attended Patricia's family services in Washington. He sent a message from Patricia's father to everybody that knew her, which I paraphrase here. It is a beautiful and touching sentiment - Kurt

Mr. Parker had a challenge for all who knew Patricia. She considered it her daily obligation to make at least one person's day a little better; to help out in any way she could, even if only to share a smile. He challenged everyone to follow Patricia's example, and in that way may carry her legacy forward.

We received a message from Patricia's family which I post for all to share - Kurt

Here are some photos of Patricia’s resting place here in Washington. I took these pictures yesterday, the day after the funeral. Please note the angel placed on the top of the gravesite. It was given to Patricia by one of her high school friends some years ago when Patricia guided her through a difficult period. That friend, Adria, was in VB and Tacoma for the viewing and the funeral, respectively. She inscribed something on the bottom of the angel at the time, designating Patricia as her guardian angel. Patricia’s husband Chris brought it here. It will mark Patricia’s site until the permanent marker is ready. Your company will play a role in that marker’s design. Chris will be in contact on that. I also attached a picture of the Puget Sound and the Chambers Creek Golf Course, which is just down the street from the cemetery (this is the same spot as the picture you already have posted). On a nice day you can see the Olympic Mountains (visible in this photo) and the seals and orcas playing in the Sound. I also attached a picture of Mount Rainier, which is visible in the other direction. We are so gratified that Patricia can rest near her family in such a beautiful and majestic setting.

Please accept our deep gratitude and love for everyone at HEWV.

Joe, Pat, and Laura Parker

Serene

We received an email from Seattle today. Our beautiful Patricia will be resting within 100 yards of this tranquil, peaceful location. What a lovely reminder that the world is a more beautiful place for having had Patricia in it, much as we are all better for having known her. Thank you Patricia, for all you have given us. Your life has been a precious gift for us all.

Patricia's Escort

Patricia's journey from Virginia Beach to the Norfolk airport did not go unnoticed. In fact, she had quite an honor guard to lead the way. The Patriot Guard Riders, a group of (mostly) military veteran bikers mustered in the wee hours and bitter cold to see her off to Washington.

Our heros knowingly place themselves in harm's way in defense of our country and their loved ones...but how many expect that it will be their burden to grieve over a lost loved one? Many leave knowing that they may not return to their spouses and families, but how many leave fearing that they may return home for a funeral and to an empty home? This was just one mission that I couldn't miss.

Another escort waited her arrival in Washington. Thanks so much to all you bikers! The entire post, with more pictures, is here.